The small toddler screamed as she tried to get the tricycle to move forward. Ava kept trying and trying. She would attempt to pedal forward, only to have her feet involuntarily pedal backward. She didn’t want help, although it was offered. She yelled, “I do it myself.”
Her mom sat there watching, one part of her so proud of her daughter’s ability to persist, one part of her laughing on the inside because…humanity, and another part feeling the intensity of frustration her daughter was experiencing.
Eventually, Ava crumpled onto the garage floor and cried. Her mother sat down next to her, not touching her quite yet as this little one doesn’t always want physical closeness right away when she is having big feelings. But Ava’s mother was close and she was present. Slowly, the little girl inched closer to her mom and wanted to be held.
After a little bit, her mom got curious with Ava and asked if her heart hurt because her daddy had said no to her a few minutes earlier when she had asked to play with a golf club. She nodded her head, and her mom let her know that made sense. The little one looked at her mom and said, “I sleepy.” It was only 10am in the morning, but this mom is teaching her daughter to listen to her body and her needs and offered to lay down with her. They snuggled close in bed for 5 minutes, and then like the flick of a light switch, Ava said, “I better.” She jumped out of bed, ran down the stairs, and played contentedly.
This little one is learning to trust that if she feels her feelings and listens to what her body needs, the emotions move through her.
Unlike how many of us were modeled and taught to approach feelings. We learned to stuff them down. We learned to feel ashamed of feeling such intensity.
We learned our emotions were intolerable, out of proportion, silly, ridiculous, and weak. And so, we learned to fear...feeling.
And, now, a lifetime of feelings lives in our bodies, waiting to be felt. And when our feelings vault is overwhelmed by the accumulation of feelings, the locked door is blown off the hinges by the pressure of all those unfelt feelings. And it feels like the feelings will never end, the tears will never stop, the anger is a bottomless pit, the shame is a permanent state of being.
Yet, perhaps the only reason it feels unending is because there are decades of stuffed emotions residing inside of us. Perhaps we do need two straight weeks of tears. And maybe that would not even be enough time to feel all the emotions that had to be pushed down in order to feel safe, to feel liked, to feel lovable.
And now we are adults, with so many responsibilities. Maybe you are overwhelmed by the demands of your career. Maybe you are a mom – either the primary home parent or juggling the challenges of a career and motherhood – and there is so little time and privacy to feel your feelings, let alone energy to do so.
And even if we were courageous enough to face the anguish of our unfelt feelings…often our lives do not permit the 5-day solo self-healing retreat at an all-inclusive resort needed to do that work.
And in all honesty, could we face these feelings that our body has come to fear and loathe without support, without an anchor, without the gentle, curious, understanding, compassionate presence that we so deeply needed when we were younger (and still long for today)…
So, what are we to do with these big, overwhelming, seemingly never-ending feelings?
Here are some suggestions:
Start with being a compassionate presence for yourself when you feel any feeling during any part of your day. Tell yourself: “It makes sense that I’m feeling this way.” Even if it does not make sense, my friend, say it anyways with the knowledge that whatever brought up the sadness or anger or shame is simply the tip of the iceberg of experiences you’ve had across your lifetime that brought up feelings that did not get to be felt all the way through.
Don’t try to analyze the feeling. Do notice, though, that the reason you probably want to analyze it is so that you don’t have to feel it because scrutinizing it feels less scary than sitting in it.
Take a few moments and acknowledge this part of you who is feeling. If you are the primary home parent, find the nearest bathroom or laundry room and shut the door. If you are at work, go sit in your car for a moment. And if you cannot have time alone until later in the day, tell your feeling self how important she is to you and reassure her you will find time later in the day to be close, to listen, and to hold her. Find the sensations in your body that let you know you feel sad or mad or hopeless and track them as they move, as they change, as they wax, as they wane.
Imagine little you feeling this feeling. How alone they were. How scared they were. See in your mind’s eye: your little hands, your tears flowing onto your cheeks, your feet stomping the ground. Hear your little voice screaming in frustration. And sit closely, but not too close. And wait. Wait until they crawl closer to you. Ask them what they need? A drink of water. A little nap. A hug. And then give yourself that as soon as you are able.
If you are struggling with connecting with little you, find a photo of yourself when you were 3- or 5- or 7-years-old and focus on connecting with that little person in the photo.
Find an emotionally attuned therapist who can be that compassionate and understanding presence for you and who can safely guide you as you process the lifetime of emotions that sit in your body and want to be felt and released. Prioritize that hour a week and let it be a sacred time, reflective of the commitment to yourself to love you and show up for you in the ways you’ve always longed for and have been so deserving of.
Seeking Professional Help: If you want to begin the journey of honoring who you are, including all the big and small feelings you’ve felt along the way, working with a therapist who specializes in counseling for women can be life-changing. To find out more about therapy for women, please call or text 317-747-0574 or visit our contact page.
Disclaimer: The information provided on this blog is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace professional psychological care, professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Comments