He says I never want sex. I say he never opens up. We’re both exhausted from this fight. Conversations like these are rarely about just sex—or just feelings. They’re about risk. Exposure. The courage it takes to meet a partner in a place that feels raw.

In the couples I work with, there’s a pattern I see often—but it’s one that tends to fly under the radar. There’s no yelling. No obvious conflict. From the outside, things may seem calm or even “fine.” But inside the relationship, there’s growing distance, unmet needs, and a quiet ache of disconnection. This is the withdrawer-withdrawer pattern—when both partners instinctively pull away rather than move toward one another in moments of tension or vulnerability.

There’s a growing cultural trend that says, “Say what you feel.” Name it all. Let it out. Be radically honest — especially in your closest relationships. But when honesty becomes unfiltered emotional discharge, especially in the heat of conflict, it stops being honest communication and starts being harm dressed as truth. And many of us don’t realize we’re doing it.

You might be the one who remembers the birthdays, schedules the dentist appointments, knows when the laundry detergent is running low, and keeps a mental map of your household’s emotional climate. You may also be the one who anticipates needs before they arise, considers the downstream effects of every decision, and carries an invisible checklist that never, ever seems to end. This is the mental load...and carrying the mental load alone can feel invisible and relentless.

We wish relationships could always feel effortless, like they often did in the beginning. We sometimes assume that if it’s hard now, it must mean we’re no longer compatible. But research consistently shows that thriving relationships require intentionality. Letting the relationship run on autopilot can be deeply damaging over time.

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Every couple hits rough patches—but when disconnection becomes the norm, the relationship can feel fragile and uncertain. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps couples break out of negative cycles, rebuild trust, and create a stronger emotional bond. Learn why EFT is so effective, what to expect in sessions, and how it can help you move from conflict to closeness.

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Some of us grew up in homes where the adults of our family handled conflict with a lot of intensity: shouting, name calling, blaming,...

When you are in the midst of conflict and you are not fighting fairly, sometimes the best thing to do is to take a break from the conflict.

Yes, “fighting” with your partner is normal. In fact, having zero conflict in your relationship is not a good indicator of relationship heal