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Building Secure Attachment in Relationships (and Within Yourself)
- Jessicah Walker Herche, PhD, HSPP
- 1 day ago
- 5 min read
When relationships start to feel disconnected, it can be easy to blame time, stress, or even each other. But what if the key to rekindling closeness isn’t starting over — it’s slowing down and nurturing what was always there? In this blog, we’ll explore how understanding secure attachment can help you reconnect with your partner, your relationship, and yourself.
As a mother of two young children, their development is always on my radar — particularly the way my relationship with them fosters secure attachment. Although the idea of secure attachment has been studied for decades, it’s only more recently that it has entered the mainstream. Clients now often come to therapy describing themselves as anxiously or avoidantly attached. In some ways, the younger generation is light years ahead in understanding attachment styles and the impact insecure attachment can have.
Yet even with all this growing awareness, many of us still don’t know how to create secure attachment — not just with our children, but with ourselves and with our partners. Parenting an infant often brings out natural attachment behaviors in us. But as our children grow into toddlers and beyond, we can lose sight of the importance of maintaining and deepening that secure connection. And when adolescence arrives, our ability to remain a secure base — a place for empathy, problem-solving, connection, and safety — is critical. Our children continue to need to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure.
Rebuilding Closeness, One Step at a Time
Deepening secure attachment with children and adolescents is a topic for another blog. Today, I want to focus on something just as important: how we foster secure attachment in romantic relationships — especially for couples who once shared a deep bond but have, through stress, life transitions, and the simple realities of being human, drifted apart.
In these couples, the connection feels small, fragile, and shallow. They miss the spark they once had. They wonder if their partner still cares. They feel somewhat lost, because while life remains full and busy, their relationship has quietly slipped to the bottom of the priority list. Blame often creeps in. They wonder: Can we find our way back? Or has that ship sailed?
When working with couples in this place — and let me reassure you, you are not alone — I often invite them to reflect: What were the small and large things you did early in your relationship that made you feel close?
Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson introduced the “Four S’s” of secure attachment: feeling Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure. In reflecting on the early days, we usually uncover some common themes:
Lots of close physical proximity
Frequent eye contact
Physical affection
Emotional intimacy (which required vulnerability)
Discovering and celebrating shared values and interests
Feeling delighted by and connected to one another
Feeling known and still liked
Active interest in each other’s worlds
Playfulness, fun, and laughter
Turning toward each other for support and problem-solving
Prioritizing time together (date nights, small thoughtful gestures)
After making this list, I ask couples: Which of these are you still doing today?
This is often a sobering moment. Most relationships eventually slip into phases of inattention. We begin to take the relationship for granted, assuming its security — until, eventually, we no longer feel truly seen, safe, soothed, or secure.
What It Takes to Build and Sustain Secure Attachment
Jessica Fern, in her book Polysecure, offers a beautiful model for fostering secure attachment using the acronym HEARTS:
H – Here: Being present and emotionally available for yourself and others.
E – Expressed Delight: Showing genuine joy, appreciation, and affection.
A – Attuned: Sensitively tuning into your own and others’ needs and emotions.
R – Rituals and Routines: Building trust through predictable rhythms and habits.
T – Turn Toward After Conflict: Choosing repair and reconnection after disagreements.
S – Secure Base: Being a consistent, reliable source of encouragement and support.
Before diving into how we reconnect with our partners, it’s crucial to begin with ourselves. Secure attachment isn’t just something we offer to others — it’s something we cultivate internally. When we can be present, compassionate, and supportive toward ourselves, we become better equipped to extend those same qualities outward in our relationships. Without that self-anchoring, even our best efforts to reconnect can feel strained or hollow, because we are trying to pour from an empty cup.
When reading through these six areas, it’s helpful to look through two lenses:
First, how am I fostering secure attachment with myself?
Am I present and attentive to my needs?
Do I express delight toward myself or does my inner critic run the show?
Do I have rituals that ground me and help me feel connected to myself?
When I make mistakes, am I compassionate or harsh?
Am I a secure base for myself?
Second, where could I focus more attention in my relationship?
Am I truly present for my partner, free of distractions?
Does my face light up when I see them?
Do we regularly share meaningful time and rituals together?
After conflict, do we turn back toward one another with care?
Are we each a source of support and encouragement for the other?
Relationships are Hard Work.
We wish they could always feel effortless, like they often did in the beginning. We sometimes assume that if it’s hard now, it must mean we’re no longer compatible. But research consistently shows that thriving relationships require intentionality. Letting the relationship run on autopilot can be deeply damaging over time.
Think of relationships like orchids — not hardy dandelions or fast-growing spider plants. Orchids need careful tending: sunshine, water, nourishment, and gentle, consistent care. They naturally go through periods of rest, pausing their growth as part of their life cycle. But without consistent care even during this period of rest, they can remain stuck in dormancy and may never bloom again. Relationships, too, can survive temporary dormancy — but only if we nurture them back to life with the conditions they need to flourish.
If you’re feeling the pull to reconnect — with yourself, your partner, or both — you don’t have to find your way alone. Therapy can offer a space to rebuild secure attachment, step by step. If you’d like support on this journey, I invite you to reach out through our practice contact page — we’d be honored to walk alongside you.
Disclaimer: The information provided on this blog is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace professional psychological care, professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
