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Not Everything You Feel Needs to Be Said
- Jessicah Walker Herche, PhD, HSPP
- Jun 30
- 4 min read
Updated: Jul 26
Reclaiming tact, kindness, and connection in the way we speak our truth
There’s a growing cultural trend that says, “Say what you feel.” Name it all. Let it out. Be radically honest — especially in your closest relationships.
But when honesty becomes unfiltered emotional discharge, especially in the heat of conflict, it stops being honest communication and starts being harm dressed as truth.
And many of us don’t realize we’re doing it.
We feel angry, so we say everything we’re thinking — sharp, reactive, cutting. We feel hurt, so we unload every disappointment we’ve held onto. We confuse emotional urgency with relational integrity. And we mistake venting for vulnerability.
Somewhere along the way, we’ve lost the art of speaking the truth with kindness. We’ve traded tact for transparency and love for “I’m just being real.”
But here’s the thing:
Not everything you feel needs to be said exactly how you feel it — at the exact moment you feel it.
When Honesty Becomes a Weapon
Yes, honesty matters. Real relationships are built on truth. But truth, untempered by care, becomes a weapon. And in conflict, that weapon tends to strike the person we say we love most.
There’s a difference between:
Speaking the truth to build connection
vs.
Speaking the truth to relieve our own emotional pressure
One is relational. The other is reactive.
When we’re dysregulated, flooded, or angry, we may lash out in the name of “just being honest.” But honesty that shames, blames, or overwhelms isn’t intimacy. It’s a form of emotional self-protection — often rooted in old pain, fear, or the desperate need to be heard.
And while your feelings are absolutely valid, the way you express them either builds or breaks safety in your relationship.
Tact Isn’t Dishonest — It’s Emotional Maturity
Tact has gotten a bad reputation — as if it’s code for avoidance or sugarcoating. But real tact isn’t about denying truth. It’s about honoring the other person’s nervous system while you speak it.
It sounds like:
“There’s something important I want to share, but I don’t want to hurt you in how I say it.”
“I’m feeling really flooded right now, and I don’t want to say something I’ll regret.”
“Can we come back to this when I’m less activated?”
That’s emotional maturity. That’s truth wrapped in care. That’s the kind of honesty that creates connection — even when it’s hard. If you want to learn more ways to soften your approach and create safety in conversations, explore the power of gentle start-ups and generous interpretations.
Your Partner Isn’t Your Journal
Your partner is not your dumping ground. They are not there to absorb your every unfiltered thought. Nor are they meant to hold your rage simply because you needed to release it.
Emotional responsibility in relationships means learning to pause — not suppress, not perform, but pause long enough to be intentional. To ask:
Is this the right time?
Is this how I want to say it?
Will this bring us closer or push us further apart?
Sometimes the most honest thing we can say is:
“I have a lot coming up right now, and I want to talk about it in a way that’s fair to you. Can I take a minute?”
That’s not avoidance. That’s care. That’s honesty with love and restraint.
Kind Truths Build Trust
We all get overwhelmed. We all say things we don’t mean. But when unfiltered honesty becomes a pattern, it erodes the very thing it’s meant to protect — trust.
Kind truths, on the other hand, are powerful. They soften defenses. They allow space for repair. They make room for both people to be real and feel safe.
You can be direct without being damaging. You can be truthful without being brutal. You can speak hard things with soft edges.
And in doing so, you create a relationship where honesty becomes healing — not harmful.
An Invitation to Pause
So the next time something rises up in you — frustration, anger, disappointment — pause before you speak. Not to silence yourself, but to honor the kind of relationship you’re trying to build.
Ask yourself:
Am I sharing this to connect or to unload?
Is this how I want to sound to the person I love?
What’s the kindest way to speak this truth?
As Terry Real writes in Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship:
“In your close relationships, urgency is your enemy and breath is your friend.”
He and his wife, also a therapist, describe relational heroism as the moment when we interrupt our automatic, reactive response and choose something more mature, more connected, and more relational. In other words, relational heroism is choosing connection over reaction — even when it’s hard.
Yes, previous generations often suppressed or silenced emotion. And as with many movements toward liberation, the pendulum can swing too far — into unfiltered and unbridled self-expression, where our truth is shared without care.
The work now is to come back to center. To speak what’s real, not recklessly, but responsibly — from a place of grounding, breath, and love.
Because in the end, the goal isn’t to get everything off your chest.
The goal is to get closer — even in conflict.
To tell the truth in a way your partner can receive.
To speak not just from honesty, but from love.
Speak Your Truth Without Breaking Connection
If you’re finding it hard to express your truth without hurting the ones you love, you’re not alone — and you don’t have to figure it out alone, either. Couples therapy can help you slow down your reactivity, strengthen emotional regulation, and communicate with more clarity and care.
At Cadence Psychology Studio, we help individuals and couples rebuild trust, repair communication, and reconnect — even in the hard moments.
Reach out today to begin the work of speaking your truth with tenderness, integrity, and intention.
Because the goal isn’t just to be heard — it’s to be understood, and to stay connected while being real.
Disclaimer: The information provided on this blog is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace professional psychological care, professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
