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Why One Partner Often Carries More of the Weight (and Why That’s Not Always Wrong)
- Jessicah Walker Herche, PhD, HSPP
- Nov 10
- 3 min read
We’ve all heard the advice that relationships should be “50/50.” It sounds fair, but real life rarely works that way—and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Strong relationships often go through seasons of imbalance, where one partner carries more of the emotional, practical, or relational load. While this can feel heavy—and even unfair—these seasons don’t automatically signal a problem. In fact, when handled with care, they can deepen trust and strengthen your connection.
The Myth of Perfect Balance
Culturally, we love the idea of equality in relationships. But “equal” doesn’t always mean “equitable” or “healthy.” Life is unpredictable. Careers change. Kids get sick. Parents age. Mental health struggles arise. If we hold rigidly to the expectation that everything should be perfectly balanced, we set ourselves up for disappointment—and potentially unnecessary conflict.
Seasons of Imbalance Are Normal
At some point, one partner will be carrying more of the weight. Maybe they’re managing most of the household while the other navigates a demanding job. Maybe they’re offering extra emotional support because the other is grieving or recovering from illness. These moments don’t have to feel like a failure. They can reflect the very heart of partnership: showing up for each other when it matters most.
When one partner says, “I’ll carry more right now because you can’t,” it’s an act of love and commitment. And often, the roles reverse later on.
Relationships thrive not because everything is always equal, but because both partners trust the balance will even out over time.
When It Works—And When It Doesn’t
Not all imbalance is healthy. Problems arise when one partner always carries more, with no acknowledgment, appreciation, or effort from the other. Over time, this can lead to resentment, emotional distance, and burnout.
Healthy imbalance is marked by three things:
Communication: Both partners talk openly about what’s happening and why.
Consent: The partner carrying more agrees to it rather than feeling coerced.
Care: The lighter-load partner still shows up in small but meaningful ways.
Without these elements, imbalance can become a breeding ground for conflict rather than connection.
And if ruptures do occur—as they inevitably will—the difference between couples who grow together and couples who drift apart often comes down to one skill: repair. It’s less about getting everything right, and more about the willingness to come back to the table with softness, accountability, and care.
If you’re curious about how repair works in real relationships (and why perfection isn’t the goal), you can read more about that here.
How to Carry the Weight Without Burning Out
If you’re the one holding more right now:
Name It Together: Say, “I know I’m doing more right now. Here’s what I need so I don’t burn out.”
Ask for Small Efforts: Even if your partner can’t carry half, they can do something—whether that’s saying thank you, folding a load of laundry, or sitting with you for a few minutes at the end of the day.
Set Boundaries: You’re not a martyr. Carrying more doesn’t mean neglecting your own needs entirely.
How the Other Partner Can Show Up
If you’re in a season where your partner is carrying more:
Acknowledge It: A simple “Thank you for holding so much right now” goes a long way.
Offer What You Can: Maybe you can’t do everything, but you can send a thoughtful text, make a meal, or schedule a check-in.
Work Toward Balance Later: When life allows, look for ways to reciprocate.
Debunking the Myth of a 50/50 Split Relationships
Healthy relationships aren’t measured by a perfect 50/50 split. They’re built on trust, care, and flexibility. Sometimes love looks like carrying more than your share—not forever, but for now. When both partners embrace that truth and commit to staying connected through the imbalance, they create a foundation that can weather life’s hardest seasons.
If you and your partner are feeling the strain of imbalance and don’t know how to talk about it, we can help. Couples therapy offers a space to process frustrations, restore connection, and build strategies that work for your unique relationship.
At Cadence Psychology Studio, we offer in-person couples therapy in Carmel & Fishers, IN, and also support couples online across Indiana and nationwide via PSYPACT.
You don’t have to navigate this alone. There is a way through.
Disclaimer: The information provided on this blog is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace professional psychological care, professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.