%20me.png)
What Happens When Bids for Connection Go Unnoticed (and How to Respond Differently)
- Jessicah Walker Herche, PhD, HSPP
- 6 days ago
- 3 min read
Have you ever pointed out something funny, shared a small victory, or simply reached for your partner’s hand—only to be met with silence? That moment, though easy to overlook, matters more than you might think.
Those small attempts are called bids for connection, and according to relationship research, they’re the lifeblood of intimacy. When they go unnoticed or unanswered, the relationship begins to fray—not because of big betrayals, but because of the quiet erosion of daily connection.
What Are Bids for Connection?
A bid is any gesture—big or small—that says, “Will you turn toward me?” It could look like:
Sharing a meme or funny story
Asking, “How was your day?”
Saying, “Look at that sunset”
Reaching for a hug or kiss
Asking for advice on something minor
Essentially, bids are micro-moments where we seek attention, affection, or emotional presence from our partner.
Why Do They Matter So Much?
John Gottman’s research* shows that couples who stay happily married respond to each other’s bids around 86% of the time, while those who eventually divorce respond only about 33% of the time.
Every time you turn toward your partner’s bid—by engaging, showing interest, or responding warmly—you’re making a deposit in the emotional bank account of your relationship. When bids are consistently ignored, the account runs dry.
What Happens When Bids Go Unnoticed?
When bids are missed—especially repeatedly—the partner making the bid may start to feel:
Invisible: “Do I even matter to them?”
Resentful: “Why do I always have to try?”
Hopeless: “We’re just not connected anymore.”
The partner missing the bid often isn’t malicious; they may be distracted, stressed, or unaware. But the impact is real: missed bids erode trust and intimacy over time.
Turning Toward Instead of Away
You don’t have to respond perfectly every time. You just have to respond most of the time—with warmth and presence. Here’s how:
Notice the Small Things: Your partner sighing, saying “Look at that,” or even asking for help can all be bids. Tune in.
Respond Intentionally
If you can engage fully, great: “Wow, that’s beautiful!”
If you’re busy, acknowledge it: “I can’t talk right now, but I want to hear about it later.”
Create Space for Bids: Put the phone down. Make eye contact. These small gestures signal, “You matter to me.”
Make Your Own Bids Clear: Sometimes bids are too subtle. Try saying, “I’d love your attention for a few minutes.”
When It Feels One-Sided
If you’re the one always making bids, it’s natural to feel frustrated. Instead of pulling back completely, consider bringing it up gently:
“I feel most connected to you when you notice the little things I share.
Could we try to work on that together?”
Ready to Change the Pattern?
Relationships don’t thrive on grand gestures alone—they thrive on the small, everyday moments of turning toward each other. Responding to bids doesn’t take much time, but it makes an enormous difference in how loved and connected your partner feels.
If you’ve been missing each other’s bids, you’re not alone—and it’s never too late to change the pattern. Couples therapy can help you rebuild connection and learn new ways to engage with each other.
At Cadence Psychology Studio, we help couples slow down, recognize their patterns, and create connection that lasts. In-person sessions available in Carmel & Fishers, IN or online throughout Indiana. Schedule a consultation today.
*Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (2001). The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. New York: Crown Publishers.
Disclaimer: The information provided on this blog is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace professional psychological care, professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
