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When Both Partners Pull Away: Understanding and Interrupting the Withdrawer-Withdrawer Pattern
- Jessicah Walker Herche, PhD, HSPP
- Jul 7
- 4 min read
Updated: Jul 26
In the couples I work with, there’s a pattern I see often—but it’s one that tends to fly under the radar. There’s no yelling. No obvious conflict. From the outside, things may seem calm or even “fine.” But inside the relationship, there’s growing distance, unmet needs, and a quiet ache of disconnection. This is the withdrawer-withdrawer pattern—when both partners instinctively pull away rather than move toward one another in moments of tension or vulnerability.
At first, this dynamic can feel deceptively stable. No one is raising their voice. No one is storming out. But over time, silence becomes the norm. Conflict is avoided at all costs. Needs go unspoken. And the bond between partners slowly begins to erode—not with an explosion, but with a quiet, mutual retreat.
Why We Withdraw
Most of us don’t choose withdrawal consciously. It’s a protective reflex. For many, it’s rooted in early experiences where vulnerability was met with criticism, dismissal, or punishment. In adulthood, especially in intimate relationships, that same reflex can show up as a shutdown response: If I don’t speak up, I won’t rock the boat. If I don’t express how I feel, I won’t get hurt.
When both partners are wired this way, the relationship can slide into an emotional standstill. Communication becomes transactional. Conversations feel safe—but not connective. And under the surface, resentment and loneliness begin to build.
The Illusion of Peace
One of the trickiest parts of the withdrawer-withdrawer pattern is that it can masquerade as maturity or emotional regulation. “We never fight,” one partner might say. “We’re just low-conflict people.” But avoidance isn’t the same as peace. And low conflict doesn’t mean high connection.
What often happens in this dynamic is that couples stop asking each other real questions. They stop bringing up the things that matter. Needs go underground. Partners start filling in the blanks with assumptions. We tell ourselves stories like, “If they really cared, they would notice.” Or, “It’s easier to just handle it myself.” Over time, we begin to feel more like roommates than lovers. The emotional risk of reaching out feels greater than the pain of staying silent.
What It Costs
When we withdraw, we lose access to the relational muscle of repair. We stop practicing how to have hard conversations. We lose the opportunity to be known more deeply. And eventually, we may start to feel like strangers living side by side. Partners begin to question: Is it even worth bringing up what I feel? Would they care? Would they understand? And the silence becomes its own form of grief.
Moving Toward Each Other Again
The good news is that this pattern can shift. But not by forcing hard conversations or diving headfirst into vulnerability. The antidote to mutual withdrawal is not intensity—it’s safety.
To rewire the pattern, couples need to create moments of connection that feel emotionally safe, slow, and attuned. Here’s how we begin:
1. Name the Pattern Without Blame
Start by naming what’s happening—gently. “I’ve noticed that when something feels off, both of us tend to go quiet. I wonder if we’re both protecting ourselves in different ways.” Bringing awareness to the pattern, without blaming either partner, creates the first opening.
2. Build Safety Before Depth
Don’t start with your deepest unmet need. Start with small, authentic moments of connection. Ask questions. Share appreciation. Sit together without devices. When safety grows, depth can follow.
3. Practice Expressing Needs in Real Time
Learning to say, “I’m feeling disconnected right now,” or “I’d really love some time together this weekend,” can feel awkward at first. That’s okay. Clunky honesty is still a bridge back to each other.
4. Expect Discomfort—But Don’t Let It Stop You
Breaking the silence often feels vulnerable. Expect your nervous system to react. Breathe. Slow down. Let your partner know it’s hard to speak up, but you’re doing it because the relationship matters.
5. Get Support if You’re Stuck
Couples therapy can help untangle the deeper fears underneath the pattern. Many withdrawers are deeply sensitive people who long for connection but don’t know how to reach for it safely. A skilled therapist can help you practice new ways of engaging that honor each partner’s nervous system. If you’ve ever wondered why therapy sometimes feels stuck—or doesn’t work—this guide can help you give your relationship the best chance.
From Silence to Secure Connection
You don’t have to keep living in parallel. You don’t have to choose between conflict or disconnection. There is a third path—where emotional safety and mutual vulnerability become the foundation of your connection.
When two withdrawers begin to turn toward each other, even in small ways, the relationship starts to breathe again. And from that space, something new becomes possible—not just stability, but intimacy. Not just calm, but closeness.
If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in a cycle of avoidance, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. This pattern makes sense given your nervous systems, histories, and fears. But it doesn’t have to be the end of the story. At Cadence Psychology Studio, we specialize in helping couples move from distance to deep, secure connection. Reach out when you’re ready. We’ll walk with you.
Disclaimer: The information provided on this blog is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace professional psychological care, professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
