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When Your Identity Feels Split: Navigating the Tension Between Motherhood and Ambition
- Jessicah Walker Herche, PhD, HSPP
- Sep 29
- 4 min read
Updated: Oct 9
There are days you wake up with a fire in your belly—a sense of purpose that reaches beyond the walls of your home. And there are days when the weight of a small hand in yours, the smell of your child’s hair, and the fleeting sweetness of a bedtime story make you ache for time to slow down.
If you’re a mother with ambition, you likely know this tension intimately. The constant push and pull between showing up fully in your career and being deeply present for your children. The way your heart splits across boardrooms and breakfast tables.
You may wonder: Can I be a devoted mother and still honor the dreams that call to me? Can I chase what lights me up without dimming the light I offer at home?
This is the internal tug-of-war so many women carry—and often carry alone.
The Myth of the “Balanced Woman”
We’re often sold the idea that we can “have it all”—a thriving family, a successful career, a perfectly curated life. But behind that glossy message is a quieter, more nuanced truth: holding multiple roles doesn’t mean doing them all perfectly or all at once. It means navigating tradeoffs, making intentional choices, and learning to live in the in-between spaces.
The idea that we should feel “balanced” all the time is not only unrealistic, it’s also misleading. Balance implies stillness.
But real life—especially life with children and ambition—is in constant motion. It’s not balance we need; it’s integration. A way of living where both our ambition and our motherhood are honored, even when they compete.
When the Guilt Creeps In
You miss the field trip for a last-minute meeting.
You skip the meeting to be home for bedtime.
Either way, a voice inside whispers: You’re letting someone down.
Motherhood guilt and ambition guilt often feed off each other. You feel guilty for wanting more than motherhood. And then you feel guilty for not wanting more from your work because you’re so in love with your kids.
But guilt isn’t always a reliable compass. Sometimes, it simply signals that we’re stepping outside of the culturally-scripted roles we’ve been handed. The guilt isn’t proof that you’re doing it wrong—it’s proof that you care. And that care can be your anchor, not your punishment.
Ways to Hold Both Identities with Compassion and Intention
1. Redefine Success (on Your Terms)
Success doesn’t have to mean climbing the corporate ladder at breakneck speed. It might mean slow growth. Or pursuing work that energizes you without draining your presence at home. Success can be cyclical—thriving in one area while tending gently to another.
2. Get Clear on What Matters Most Right Now
Seasons change. What your family needs now might not be what they’ll need next year. Your professional drive may ebb and flow. Allow yourself to recalibrate without shame. What feels right today might look different in six months, and that’s okay.
3. Practice Self-Compassion Relentlessly
You are not failing because you feel conflicted. The fact that you’re wrestling with these questions is evidence of your depth. When self-doubt creeps in, meet it with kindness. Ask yourself: What would I say to a friend in this same place?
4. Build a Life That Reflects Your Real Values (Not Just Expectations)
Sometimes we end up living a version of motherhood or ambition that’s been handed to us, not chosen. Pause and ask: Is this rhythm, this pace, this set of choices, actually mine? What would feel more aligned?
5. Create Rituals of Presence
You don’t need endless hours to be a present parent or a powerful professional. Instead of trying to stretch yourself thinner, create pockets of undivided presence—rituals that help you feel grounded. A morning walk with your child. A Friday coffee devoted to your creative work. Presence over perfection.
You Are Not Split—You Are Expansive
It can feel like you’re living two separate lives—one in the conference room, one in the playroom. But what if these weren’t opposites? What if they were both expressions of the same thing: your love, your longing, your power?
You are not fractured. You are expansive.
You are showing your children what it means to be human. To be passionate. To be imperfect and wholehearted. You are teaching them that a woman can be both nurturing and ambitious, both soft and strong.
You’re not doing it wrong. You’re doing something brave. You’re building a life that holds both fire and tenderness. And though the path may feel lonely at times, you are far from alone.
If you’re navigating this tension and want a space to process, reflect, or simply be seen—therapy can offer support that honors all of who you are. Whether you’re a new mom redefining your identity or a seasoned parent adjusting to new ambitions, you don’t have to carry it all alone.
We provide therapy in Fishers and Carmel, IN, as well as online throughout Indiana. Reach out to schedule a free consultation—we’re here to help you hold both motherhood and ambition with clarity, compassion, and intention.
Disclaimer: The information provided on this blog is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace professional psychological care, professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.