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For many, becoming a mom has been, and continues to be, a transformative process, one in which we deeply reflect on who we are and want to be and how we want to parent and show up for our kids. Our interactions with others can serve as a mirror to parts of self that need to be tended to, loved on, healed. And our interactions with our kids can be one of life’s biggest opportunities for self-reflection, as well as an opportunity to grow in leadership. Not just sturdy leadership of our children, but sturdy leadership of ourself: Self-leadership.
Self-leadership is about taking stock and intentionally guiding ourselves toward having the experience we want – in our careers, in our relationships, with our health, and within our environments.
Let’s, for a moment, use the example of being a leader for our children to help us better understand what it might be like to be a self-leader.
Left to their own devices, our kids might choose to eat all the candy in their Halloween basket and choose to hit and push to get the toy they want from their sibling. And as parents, we step in and say, “Hey hey. Let’s do this differently.” We want our kids healthy. We want our kids to learn how to get what they want without attacking and how to sit with the discomfort of not always getting what they want.
We understand that kids may struggle more or less with different aspects of growth and maturity. And we incorporate their personality and their development into the picture as we guide them toward – ultimately – becoming the leader of themselves...Someone who can:
Take ownership of their life,
Accurately assess who they are, what they want and need, and what their limitations and strengths are, and
Effectively problem solve their way to having the life they want, a life aligned with their values, a meaningful life.
This too is an approach we can take with ourselves.
We often don’t. For whatever reason. We seem to “wing it” quite a bit or bulldoze our way through life or try to act like we don't care about the things that really are important to us.
Perhaps we haven’t experienced helpful examples of leadership and so we don’t have an internalized template for self-leadership.
Perhaps even the concept of leader is foreign or uncomfortable due to a pervasive lack of structure in our life or due to distressing experiences of people in authority abusing their power.
What would it look like to be the leader of our self? What characteristics might be present as we interact with, attend to, and lead our self?
Internal Family Systems theory can be used to illuminate these questions about what it would look like to be in self-leadership.
A framework we use in therapy for women, Internal Family Systems helps us better understand the parts of self within our psyche, the roles these parts play, and how they function to maintain dynamic homeostasis.
The goal of broadening and deepening our understanding of the internal system that holds us together is to help us access our Core Self, the part of us who is wise and kind and sturdy and guiding us toward healing and integration.
There is an array of names used for the concept of Core Self such as Self-Energy, Wise Heart, Higher Self, Self. Insert what resonates with you as you read along.
The Core Self has several key characteristics, many of which start with the letter “c” or letter “p” to help us remember them:
Compassion
Curiosity
Clarity
Creativity
Calm
Confidence
Courage
Connectedness
Patience
Presence
Persistence
Perspective
Playfulness
This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s a good place to start in being able to identify Core Self - the Leader of You.
When incorporating Internal Family Systems in our work with clients, we often focus on helping clients notice when their Core Self is present. It is always there, though we are often not aware of its presence. In addition, the parts that make up who we are (exiles, managers, and firefighters) can embody several of these Core Self aspects, which is why sometimes it's difficult to know who is in charge. And we want Core Self in charge. We want Core Self to be the leader of all our parts.
Even if you haven’t had great examples of leadership in your life, you do have within you all you need to step into leadership.
Let’s look at how this might play out.
Let’s say someone has a limiting belief – that impacts their self-leadership system – such as “I can’t say no.” Perhaps this belief emerged in reaction to growing up in an environment that was strict, rigid, and rule-based. From a child’s perspective, perhaps it seemed there were far more things that were on the naughty list than the approved list. Perhaps the child felt like their desires and needs were often "wrong" too. As this child matured and became an adult, they also became aware of how this way of orienting to the world and our humanity just did not fit.
They decided to release this belief system and no longer have it reign supreme in their decision-making.
But as it goes, instead of replacing it with a more realistic, flexible, and adaptive belief, the belief swung toward the opposite, which often is just as a rigid: “I can’t say no.”
What would it look like to have this limiting belief in the context of self (versus others – because that is another blog for another time)? It could go from mildly problematic to very ugly quite quickly, right. However, because there is a part of self that still wants to be perceived as “good” and doing the “right” thing, maybe it manifested in a stealthier way, such that the new and unconscious approach became: Saying “yes” to NOT doing things that are healthy and good.
Almost in revolt. A true rebellion. Really championing this idea of no one can ever tell me what I cannot do anymore.
Here are some examples of what this might look like:
I don’t want to exercise today. Okay, don't. Just do you.
I don’t want to restrict any food item. Okay, eat anything you want without tuning into what your body needs.
I don’t want to be social today. Okay, don't reach out to your friend whom you have been missing. Just wait until you feel like it.
I know these examples are almost laughable. But given how smart our brains are and how hard-wired our childhood belief systems can be, it makes sense that an “indulgent” part of self could take over. This part wasn’t saying “yes” to really “awful” things, but it also couldn’t say “no” to whims and fancies, to easy and breezy, to slight veerings from their values. And over time, the decision to give in to easy or comfortable does add up.
(Please note: Choosing easy and comfortable can be an important part of a meaningful life that also includes choosing hard and uncomfortable at times.)
What would it look like to release the limiting belief “I can’t say no” and step into self-leadership (versus self-indulgence)? Especially in the context of lifestyle and health behaviors that do matter to our wellbeing…
Let’s refer back to those qualities of Core Self: Compassion, Curiosity, Clarity, Creativity, Calm, Confidence, Courage, Connectedness, Patience, Presence, Persistence, Perspective, and Playfulness.
Perhaps it would look something like this:
Part of self who is tired: “I don’t want to exercise today.”
Indulgent part of self: “Well, then, sweetie, don’t. You just rest and take care of you.”
Self-Leader (who is smiling with compassion): “Ahhhh, yes. Exercise. Movement. So very important. It makes sense that since you are tired, you don’t want to do it. And, it’s good for you, for your health and even for how you show up with others. So, let’s figure out a way to move today. Let’s go do yoga outside.”
Imagine how it would feel to grow in self-leadership. Imagine how this might also translate into other aspects of your life as a woman, a mom, a friend, a professional...Imagine what it would look like to show up for yourself with compassion, curiosity, patience, playfulness, confidence, and calm…
Seeking Professional Help: If you are feeling stuck and want to grow in self-leadership, working with a therapist who can help you access your Core Self and develop these leadership skills can change the course of your life. To find out more about therapy for women, please call or text 317-747-0574 or visit our contact page.
Disclaimer: The information provided on this blog is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace professional psychological care, professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
About the Author
A counseling psychologist and creative at heart, Dr. Jessicah is the founder of Cadence Psychology Studio, a mental health group practice in Indiana that specializes in working with couples, treating trauma, and providing support to women, with a special focus on caring for moms.
Dr. Jessicah loves the creative process of (1) building a modern and relevant therapy practice and (2) mending hearts & shifting relationship dynamics in the context of therapy. Whether with individuals or with couples, she is in awe of her clients' courage and dedication to embrace wholeness and honored to be entrusted with their stories and healing journeys.
At the depth of her essence is love and gratitude for the people in her life, especially her big family, delightful husband, and two adorable children.